Sunday, December 11, 2011

1 Year

So it has been 1 year since Arlen passed away.  I still miss him just as much now, if not more, than when it first occured.

Terrible day last year.  If you remember, we had that horrible blizzard, roads were impassable.  Trust me, I know first hand.

Not a lot has changed.  I switched jobs and am looking now for one closer to home.  Driving 20 miles one way in the dark just isn't for me.  Our little Claire turned one on the 2nd of December, Lily is now 3 and so smart it is hard to believe.  Amber received her MBA and is now working for Regis, Collin is taking classes for his BA, Adam and Miranda are incredible parents to the girls and doing really well.  I am so very proud of them all, oh, don't forget Brandon.  He is getting to be such a young man.  I would say little, but he is almost as tall as I am, and he still has room in his heart to give Grandma hugs, and tell her things he won't tell any one else.  He also has a very pretty girlfriend, he does have good taste.

My house is all ready for Christmas.  I just don't know for sure when we will be having it.

Christmas for me has always been a bit on the difficult side.  I seem to get slightly depressed during this time of year.  Doesn't matter what is going on or with whom.  I just can't shake it.  Maybe it is becuase another year has come and gone and nothing has really changed in  my life.  It seems like the only time I get to see the kids is if there is a birthday or something going on.  I get to see the grand daughters once a month when they come to stay with me for their weekend, I so look forward to that weekend.  It means 2 days a month I don't sit here by myself.  I get to here them talk and laugh and play and just be kids.  Wonderful sounds.

I wish Arlen could be here to experience it all with me.  Like I said, I miss him every day.  Every one says it gets better and easier with time, but I am starting to have my doubts.  After a year, I still talk about us and we and out.  Crazy.  I will here a song on the radio and automatically thing "oh, this was one of his favorites" or see a new program on tv and think that I will have to remember to tell him about it.  I worry about everything and anything.  I can't seem to make decisions that need to be made and I have found myself putting things off until the last minute.  I hope that it does get easier and that I realize it when it happens.

Merry Christmas Honey, I love you.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Time is supppose to heal

I have been sitting here debating whether or not to keep doing this.  Still not sure, not very dedicated to it.  But here it goes.

You always hear the phrase "time heals all wounds" I am beginning to think that is a load of crap. 
Arlen has been gone for almost a year, I think about him every day, miss him more each time I think about him and in general am just plain lonely.  Time is not doing what it is suppose to.

Maybe it will get better in "time", maybe not.  I hear certain songs on the radio at work and think to myself "That was one of his favorites".  Now with the holidays coming up I don't know if it will be easier to get through them or more difficult.  This will be the first year for Thanksgiving that I know he won't be coming home from any hospital, just plain old won't be here.  He did love his turkey and all the fixins.

I started working the overnight hours thinking that since I wasn't sleeping well at night, I might as well be doing something.  Now I don't sleep well during the day.  Can't win for losing.  I know that I am not taking care of myself the way I should, but there is no one here to get after me.  Knowing and doing something about it is two completely different things.  Before I was so busy making sure that Arlen got everything he needed that I didn't have time to think about me, now I have the time and I just kind of am going along blindly.

Sounds like a giant pity party doesn't it?  Oh well, can't help that.  When you are sitting up at 3:30 in the morning, when you should be sleeping, you have a lot of time to think about things.  I have to find things to do during the day, and there just aren't a lot of options.  Don't need to clean, do dishes. laundry, grocery shop or any of that stuff.  Cleaning only takes about 20 minutes from start to finish.  When there is just you to clean up after, there isn't a lot to clean.

I really look forward to the weekends when Lily and Claire come to spend them with me.  They may tire me out, but it is 2 days of other voices in the house.  Quite can get to be very boring, and so far I haven't been able to get the cats to learn English.  Maybe a different language?

I am going to plod on and hope for the best.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Time for some changes

I have decided that my life needs some serious updating.  How, I don't have a clue.  I thought by finding a different job that would be a beginning.  Ooops, guessed wrong.  I am not happy where I am at now.

Don't get me wrong, it is probably a great job. Maybe just not for me.  I was told when I was hired to do the overnight shift that there would be 2 people on that shiff.  Guess what?  They forgot to hire some one else for it.  So now I am expected to do the work of 2 - 3 people by myself.  The other day I was told that the milk shelves can't be empty.  Really?  What is wrong with the previous shift (2-3 people) loading up the shelves.  If I go in the cooler I can't hear when the gas dinger goes off or if someone comes into the building.

Not only do I have to lug around 7-8 cases of bananas a night, check for outdates in the store, fill the fresh case with sandwiches, salads, etc, do the donuts (oh yeah, do them pretty?!), do all of the end of day restarts and reports plus wait on the customers.  Also am supposed to clean all the coffee makers, cappucino and fountain machines in my spare time.  Oh yeah, have to get the breakfast items going and get the case full, keep it full and help out on the registers at the same time.

I don't have a problem with working hard, but I woulod never expect one person to accomplish this by themselves.

It is bad enough that at home I don't have anyione to talk or vent to, let alone at night.  I should have said that I prefer the Hutch store and left it at that.  Some of the things (milk, for example) I was never told that it was my job to do.  Not once while being trained in.  Of course if you say something like that when they are pointing it out, it just comes off as an excuse.  If they want me to be alone at nighjt, leave me the hell alone when they get there, or start scheduling people to come in earlier so that I can get my jobs done!

Okay, I vented, I ranted, I raged, I still don't feel any better.  No offense guys, but it just isn't the same as having a person to talk to.  One last thing and then I'll let it go.  The one kid that I was working with talked to the Store Leader about staying there instead of going to Hutch and working the overnights with me.  They actually told him no, we have people hired, just have to get them trained in.  What?

I would really like to find something else, but I will do my best to meet their expectations, to keep the job I have, at least for the time being.  As soon as somegthing else comes along, I will be out of there.  Not even sure that I care what it is anymore.  Is that the4 wrong way to feel?  I don't know.

On to something new.  Had my yearly eye examine today.  Good news, the little spots or whatever they were are gone.  Bad news, I now have the beginning of cataracts.  Lucky me.  I am getting new glasses, hoping they look okay.  When you loook in the mirror with frames with just glass or plastic in them, how are you supposed to tell if they look decent.  Guess I'll just go with my gut feeling.

I think that I will let you off the pity party now and sign off.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Been a while

Been a while since I sat down to do this.  Not sure there is much new to talk about.  But, we'll see how it goes.

Garage sale(s) were a bust.  It rained every darn weekend I had it.  Now I just have to decide if any of the stuff left is worth keeping, or just throwing away.  Maybe 1/2 and 1/2/

Been doing some baking for the July 4th weekend.  We are all going up to my Mom's for her 75th birthday, and I just don't think she should have to provide all the snacks for everyone.  So, I've been making cookies.  Chocolate chip, Oatmeal Raisin, Soft & Fat Sugar, Rhubard (Lily calls them Ice Cream Cookies).  Will probably get some donut balls and maybe even some KrumKake made this weekend, hoping to get a couple of different bars made also.  Brownies for sure.

The one nice thing about taking my own stuff up is this, I can eat it.  Since it is all made with Splenda instead of real sugar

I hae a Dr. appointment on Thursday, I really need to ask her why after taking meds to control my Thryroid, I have started to gain back some of the weight I lost.  She told me it wouldn't happen.  I haven't changed my eating habits, or my exercise level (which has always been pretty much nothing).  The only thing I can think of is that the stress level in my life has gone down significantly.

I had a job interview with Kwik Trip last Thursday.  I think it went really well and am hoping to hear from them before heading up to Mom's.  The girl I work with had one today.  Thank goodness she at least changed her shirt.  She was wearing an old faded sweatshirt and jeans, thought it was appropriate.  She had one of her uniform shirts in her car, and changed into that.  Looked much better.

I was going to bring in the boxes that I packed in the car from storgage yesterday, is raining once again.  Surprise, surprise, surprise.  It can wait until tomorrow.  I will have all weekend to finish cleaning everything out  I only need to take one more empty box out there and then I am done packing it all up.  Be nice not to have to think about it anymore.  The only problem I can foresee is that the tables I borrowed from my daughter will not fit in either one of my vehicles.  Am going to have to get creative..

Miranda offered to have me ride up to Mom's with them, but after thinking about it, I think I will just drive myself.  I have so much stuff to take up there, cooler full of hot dogs, cookies, etc.  Table top grill, suitcase, 2 big boxes of buns, coffee, you know, the usual.  Plus on the way home I will have a card table and 4 chairs.

Oh, I forgot to tell you, I built a shelf for the microwave!  Yep, used power tools and liked it.  Instead of getting a different microwave, I decided to just keep the one I had, it didn't sell, so why spend money on another one.  Sucker was heavy though.  Pretty stiff from lifting it the next day.  But, I did it.  Next prject is to take down the bathroom mirrors (2 of them).  I am going to put up shelving instead to use for storage.  It is in the bathrom I no longer use, so might as well make the most of it.  The mirrors are on 2 walls around the tub, after the shelves go up, so do curtains to hide everything.  Pretty clever huh?

Well that is my life so far.  Am hoping that at some point it gets more interesting.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011


A letter to my Husband.

Dear Honey,

You have been gone for just about 6 months and I still miss you every day.  I miss coming home from work and being able to tell you what all happened or didn't happen.  I miss getting up at 2 in the morning and being able to have coffee with you before I leave for the day.

I miss having someone worry about me when the weather is bad and I have to drive, or you riding along just to make sure.

When we had our first date back in the 8th grade, I thought to myself, "Wow, a farmer, who would of thought it."  That was a very long time ago.  We met when we were 14 and are now 53!  Where did the years go?  They always seemed to go so fast.

When we got married, I thought about how lucky I was to have someone love me so unconditionally it was silly.  But you did.  You didn't care what or where or why I had done some of the things that I did, you only cared that I was with you now.  You even stood up to your family for me.

You loved and cared for my son and mourned the loss of our sone, was elated at the birth of our daughter and once again mourned when we mis-carried.  Through it all there were rough spots, but together we managed to pull through.  We saw both of the kids grow up, graduate, get married and lead good lives.  We rejoiced in the birth of all 3 grandchildren, celebrated birthdays with them, baby sat and yes we both even changed diapers!  Lots of good memories there.

When you got sick, I know that you went through a major depression that you never quite got out of.  You felt cheated for not being able to support us the way you wanted, of not being able to go back to work, of having to stay home and basically do nothing.  For 7 years you put on a brave face and tried to down play how you were really feeling.  I could see it though, I wish there would have been something that I could have done to make it better and easier for you.  I hope that you know how much I loved and still love you.

When your father passed away, you went into a depression again, this time nothing could pull you out of it.  You were so close to him, too bad that you two couldn't have spent more alone time with each other.  We both know the reason for that.  After the incident with the blood clots and the idiotic doctor telling you "You hade 5 good years" you just gave up.  It was very hard to watch that happen, knowing that once again there was nothing I could do.  I tried nagging, begging and making bargains with you, you stubborn Swede, none of it worked.

I guess I knew that when you went into the hospital for the last time, that you more than likely woulnd't be coming home, didn't make it any easier knowing that.  At least you hve no more pain, can finally get some rest and face eternity knowing that you left behind a family that will always think about and love you.

Lily's 3rd birthday is tomorrow and Brandon will be turning 10 next month.  He really misses you.  The time is just flying by, it is so hard to believe that 6 months have gone by.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about you.  So many times I catch myself saying, I have to remember to tell Arlen that or about something, and then I remember, I can't do it in the normal way anymore.  So here's hoping that you can hear what I am thinking, feeling,and wishing.

I will see you soon,

Love, Me

Monday, May 16, 2011

Ho Hum

So I decided that I should probably write something.  Does that count?

Last Saturday, I had the sale open for about 3 hours.  Managed to make about $150.  Not bad considering it was wet, cold and breezy.  Not to mention fishing opener.  Closed up early.  Couldn't take the cold and when it started to rain, had to put eveything back inside, which meant there wasn't any room for people to move around.

This week, I will have it open Thursday and Friday from 2 - 6 and Saturday morning.  Have to close it down at noon as I have to get to Farmington for my daughter-in-laws graduation.  She is graduating with her MBA. so smart, and yet she married into this family.  Go figure.  Very proud of her.

The following weekend is my granddaughter Lily's 3rd birthday.  Where did those 3 years go?  She is having a princess party.  She got to pick the theme, the invites and everything.  Should be fun.

June I have absolutely nothing going on!  Winstock is the 9th and 10th, but other than that, zip.  My aunt and uncle from Vesta are coming up for it and more than likely will stop by.  Look forward to seeing them.  I am also thinking of renting the storage unit for 1 more month, depending on what all is left.  That way I could have it open during Winstock.  So far just a thought.

Work is the same.  We got a soft servc ice cream machine in on Friday.  What a pain that will be.  Same mix as DQ, so who knows, it may prove to be a good thing, or just another pain in my behind.

Next time I sit down to do this, I should have some pictures of the sale, before and after.  Wish me luck with getting rid of everything.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Garage Sale

Tomorrow is the first of the days for the sale.  Pretty much have everything done at this point that I can.
Still have a few things to take out there and all of the pricing left.  The weather just has not been helping at all.  It stays so cold and wet that it is hard to work in it.

My biggest concern is that nobocy shows up.  Never gave it a thought that it was fishing opener.  Good thing I planned on more than 1 weekend.  Just want it over and done with.  What I'm going to do with all the left over junk is beyond me.  I'm hoping there isn't that much and that what is left will fit in the back of the Jeep, at least until I can figure out what to do with it.

I can't believe all the stuff that was in the house!  There is enough that someone just starting out could have a pretty well stocked kitchen or small business using tools of every sort!

If I were to sell everyting for just a $1 a piece, I would probably make about $500, so am kinda looking forward to seeing what I end up with.  Yes, money is always an issue.

I want to get some before pictures, just to be able to see what there was, what was sold, you know, because my memory isn't that great.

That's it, time for bed again.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Trying hard to ignore

I am trying very hard to ignore all the negative goings on at work.  It is so very easy to get sucked into someone else's comlaints when you work with them every day.

I would like to enjoy going to work again.  At first I was puitting it down to all the other shifts, but somehow that doesn't feel right anymore.  I have put up with a lot from my co-worker.  More than I probably should have.  Tomorrow I will have to listen to her gripe about the one who works in the afternoon.  They are like oil and water.

No matter, I am going to try very hard to keep a positive outlook and look at thing differently.  After all, if all I do is bitch about things, that doesn't make me any better than the other ones.

My note to the owners seems to have helped.  I'm hoping that it keeps up.  If everyone would just do their job on their shift and let the other ones worry about themselves, wouldn't it be better?  Not just for us but for out customers also?  So that is what I am going to do.  Go to work, do my job, feel appreciated, if not from the owners at least from myself.  I think I deserve it.  So what if I have to pat myself on the back and say job well done,  at least I will be hearing it.

So, here's to positive thinking, positive attitudes and being positive that I am doing the absolute best that I can.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Frustrated beyond belief!

What iis it with some people?  They show up for work late (when they show up), leave work early, and then have the balls to complain about the next shift showing up late?  I don't get it.

The girl that I work with is on time if she shows up late by 10 minutes, she leaves work early so she doesn't have to see one of the afternoon people, and yet today she actually made this comment, "If you are going to leave around noon, they should have someone else coming in at that time".  I get there at 4 am, which is 15 minutes before I have to be there, I don't leave if there are things to do until they are done, plus I am alone for the first 1 1/2 hours of the day.  She gets rattled if there are more than 2 people waiting in line, get over it all ready.

Friday she didn't bother to show up at all, didn't bother to call in until I had called her to see if she was planning on coming to work, ended up finding someone to come in at 10 so that I could actually leave on time.  This morning, it seemed that the same thing was going to happen.  However, I refuse to call her anymore.  I am not her boss, her mother, or her fill in.  She is 33 years old with a family, how does she handle it being that inconsiderate of other people?

To top it off, we were left with no ones, quarters or tens to use in the tills.  What? is this a store or what?

I was actually putting away groceries from last Tuesday this morning.  Nobody else seems to think it is their job to do this.  The one pop vendor plopped down the 2 liters in the back room, there is a shelf for them by the pop.  So I put them where they belonged.  If I hadn't done this the grocery delivery would have had no place to be un-loaded.  The weekend and evening people seem to think that they don't have to break down their boxes and place them in the dumpster.  They just pile them up and leave them.  Tired and frustrated by the inconsideration that goes on there.

On the plus side, we were extremely busy this morning, hope that keeps up.  Although I don't know how the other people will get anything done. Oh year, they don't do anything now.

I am now done ranting, feel a little bit better.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Winter, who neds it?

So they have snow in the forcast again.  I am really tired of wind, cold and wet, whether it is rain or snow.  I am so ready for Spring to get here, and stay.

I guess I am not the only one to feel this way.  Shouldn't we have a say in it?  Where do we go to vote on who controls the outside thermostat?

The other day I wrote about working with idiots.  Here is more proof.  Yesterday, our Coke delivery guy wa telling us that the broad, who is suppose to be in charge of the pop order, called up and demanded that they send her a different rep.  Silly person, Mike is as good as they get.  he knows what he is doing, does it well and is easy to get along with.  He must have told her no about something, and she didn't like it.  Too bad.  He is already going out of his way to be accomodating to her, to likewise in return.  Told you, I work with some idiots.

So, Saturday in the cold and wet we (by we, I mean, Collin, Amber, Miranda and Adam) got the storage unit cleaned out, sorted and pretty much ready for the sale.  Ended up filling the dumpster here, that's the way it goes.  In 20+ years, I have never filled the dumpster up.  Yesterday, Dave came and got the stove, an old metal box spring and some shelving,  There is actually a floor out there!  Forgot about that.

Next week the weather is suppose to be better (fingers crossed) so I should be able to get out and start getting it organized.  It will be sad to see it all go, but it has to be done.  After all, what am I going to do with a storage unit full of tools?  I have the ones I want and need.  I'm hoping to make a good amount of money, could sure use it.  But then, who couldn't.

Well that's whats been going on here.  Hope you have a good day.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Idiots, every single one!

Why is it in the work place, there are more idiots than not?  You know who I mean, every place has them.  Too bad they don't recognize themselves.  Too bad we just can't come out and tell them, your are an idiot.

We have the winner of the idot contest at work.  She thinks she knows everything about everything, and yet is so clueless on how things work, she just look ridiculous.

Yesterday, 7-Up came in to stock their shelves, well instead of breaking down their boxes right away and putting them in the dumpster, they left them.  Then had the gall to leave a note asking us to catch the garbage guy so we could haul out their garbage.  Excuse me.  We have better things to do then sit by the back door and wait for the garbage truck.  Needless to say the boxes didn't get put oout.  She is worried that the dumpster will be full before the next pickup, duh!  Of course it's going to be full, take out your damn boxes!
She then proceeds to call me at home,  did we catch the garbage man?  Does it look like we did?  The boxes are still there.

When I make the comment that Lyle should really have 2 dumpsters, 1 for boxes, 1 for trash, she then says it's not up to the garbage company but Lyle.  What?  Did I miss something here?  Idiot, idioit, idiot.

Anyway, don't have to deal with her or the store for 2 days.  Yeah!

Tomorrow, Collin, Amber, Miranda and Adam are all coming to help with the storage unit.  Adam is bringing a trailer to haul everything back here to the dumpster.  Will make things much easier and faster.,  When we get done with the garbage, can haul everything that is boxed up for the sale out there, and I can hopefully have a clutter free house.  28 years, never had a clutter free house.  Am enjoying it now.

I made up my chicken casserole, so that is ready for the crock pot.  Tasted really yummy.  Took 3 chicken breasts, diced them, seasoned and browned, added to egg noodles, cream of chicken soup and corn.  Even if they don't like it, I do.  I now have a chocolate cake in the oven.  Going to serve that up with whipped cream and raspberries in place of frosting.

Right away in the morning, I am going to make a big pot of coffee, the old fashioned way, on top of the stove to bring with out there.  Also plan on making blueberry muffins for breakfast.  Yummy.

I want to get before, during and after pictures of the unit.  Should be interesting.  Will keep you posted.

Have a great weekend, don't let the weather deter you from your plans,  it will change!

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Trying to be productive

Been trying to find things to do.  Can't stand just sitting around.  Went out and washed the windows.  Let the sun shine!

I didn't realize how high up they actually were, good thing I had a long handled squeegie.  Does feel good to have it done at least once.  The bottom windows I can get from the inside, they tilt in.

Opened the one window in the dining room, what a nice breeze coming in.  curtains look so pretty, dancing gently.

The other day as I was taking a shower, the shower head broke.  Good thing I had a spare shower that I don't use.  Just exchanged heads.

As you can see, I don't have a lot of anything interesting today.  Been trying to find a dumpster for this weekend.  Going to clean out the storage unit.  Nobody has anything the size I need for temporary projects.  What's up with that?  Guess we will just be hauling it all back here.  Will have to pick up some large garbage bags, might be time for a quick trip to the dollar store.

Monday, April 11, 2011

4 months

It has been 4 months since Arlen passed away.  The weather is in such contrast to that day.  December 11, 2010, worst blizzrd in a long time, today, beautiful and sunny.  Had a rough time of it though.

All weekend I was just kind of off.  I knew that when the 3 month mark had come and gone that it would get harder.  He had been in the hospital for a 3 month stretch, so had nothing to compare anything to.  Today it just kind of hit me, he really is gone and not coming back.

For the past 28 years I had known an unconditional love that knew no boundries.  Although we were married for 28 years, we had known each other for almost 40.  We had our first date when we were both 14, then our next one wasn't until we were 18, after that 23.  We went to school and graduated together, were friends but not much more than that.  I married after high school and then divorced, then we got together at a dance, and the rest as they say is history.

So even though this is a sad and lonely time in my life, I will have both good and bad memories to get me through.  You see, you can't just remember the good without remembering the bad.    We had good times, rough times, and times that neither of us could remember.  I still refer to everything I do as we.  For so long it was always we or us, hard getting used to me or I.  Just doesn't feel right.  Like everyting else in life I will eather this through and hopefully come out stronger in the end.  With the support of family and friends anything is possible.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Jut blank

My mind is a total blank.  Seems to happen every Friday, at least something in my life is consistent.

Tomorrow I have to start getting the yard cleaned up.  Rain can stay away until I'm done.  Not sure what to do about all the crap that is sitting there waiting for the sale.  Maybe I'll just throw it in the back of the Jeep.  Won't be able to lift the grills without help, so they will have to wait.

I am getting antsy to have this darn sale over.  Just want to be able to breathe without thinking about it all the time.  At first I felt guilty about selling Arlen's things, but they won't do me any good just sitting here, and it is nice to have the room.  I am enjoying the un-cluttered feel, even though so many things are sitting around in boxes.  I know they won't be there much longer.

I made it through the day without getting mad at any one person.  Progress.  Fridays, I am just sick of the same people coming into the store, saying the same thing, buying the same things.  Change it up people.  Most of them are mad about the price of gas.  What am I supposed to do about it?  I have to pay the same price, probably with a whole lot less coming in.

I really, really, really want to go shopping.  Alas, my checkbook has other ideas.  Don't know what I want, or need, not the point.  I would love to have about $1000 just to go and buy a whole new wardrobe.  Throw out what I have, get some nice quality things.  Something to dream about.

I bought a new camera, which I probably shouldn't have done, but the other day I wanted to get a picture of the one cat curled up in the bathroom sink, and mine just didn't want to work.  Both of those cameras are now in the dumpster.

I would also like to be able to carpet my living room.  Since I only have the two cats left, it won't be so bad to vacuum.  Plus, I wouldn't always have to have something on my feet.  Since I lost the weight, I also lost all the padding on the bottoms of my feet, so they are very tender, and usually sore.  Carpet would feel good.

I think I'm done, just sitting here listening to nothing.  No TV, no radio, no nothing.  Have to go change that.
Have a great weekend.

Thursday, April 7, 2011


I realized last night as I sat and tried to find something to watch, that I am very angry.  Angry at the world, at the customers. at my employers, and mostly at myself.

I am angry at myself and I don't have any reason to be so.  I don't know what to do about it, to try to come to understand it, or just to let it run its course.  I'm sure that a lot of it is due to Arlen dying.  Pissed me off royally.  Can't do anything about it, just accept it, right? 

For so many years I felt as though I couldn't be anygry with him.  He was ill, and there was nothing we could do about it.  If he had only taken better care of himself when he had the chance.  The chance to quit drinking, the chance to clean up his act, just the chance.  That chance has come and gone.  And I'm angry about that also.

I am hoping that every day that I don't blow up at somebody, it will get easier to understand.  Being angry is part of life, not the best part, but a part of it.  Blowing up at somebody is actually good for you.  It helps to air any problems, helps to lower your blood pressure, etc., etc.  Yeah right.

My doctor really wants me to quit smoking.  You know what, screw her.  I have given up so many things in the past year, let me do this on my own time.  She may say she knows what I'm going through.  No she doesn't.  Even if you have gone through a loss of your own.  It is your own, and you need to deal with it in your own way.  I have some idea of what others have gone through and felt, but I would never presume to know exactly what they are feeling.

In the past 6 years I have lost my father, my husband and my father-in-law.  3 very important male figures in my life.  Lots to handle.  Throughout my life, not only have I lost those 3, but a son, 2 grandfathers, numerous uncles.  How much is one supposed to take?

I know that they say that God only gives you what you can handle, but come on.  A litle bit less would have been nice.

I am angry, but I am also grateful.  Grateful for the love and faith that was put in me by these men.  Granteful that my children and their families are healthy and doing good.  Grateful that they are a big part of my life.  Without them, I don't know that I would ever be able to get past all of this.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Oh my

Since it is Wednesday (but feels like Thursday) and since I have absolutely nothing to write about, I guess that I will just ramble on for a bit.

The weather is finally co-operating.  By the end of the week I hope to be able to get out in the yard and start cleaning up.  There are a few shingles still laying around.  I don't know if they are from the first time they blew off, or from when they replaced them.  Doesn't matter, still need to be picked up.

I can't wait to get rid of the 2 grills that are sitting outside.  I never did like the looks of them, and now I can finally get rid of them.  If you know anyone who would like to buy a 6 burner gas grill with tank and hoses for $50.00 you know where to find me.  I also have a charcoal grill, pretty good size, for $30.00.  You can even have all the wet sloppy charcoal that is there!

I have no idea what to do with myself this weekend.  I would like to get out to storage and get a start, so here's hoping that happens.  Would like to get one wall cleared off so I can start taking everything out there and stacking it up, getting it out of the house would be so wonderful.  Would be doubly wonderful if I were to find the leaf for my table.  Haven't seen it in 2 years.  May be time for a new set.  By new, I mean used.  Have to decide before Easter.  Have a whole house full coming.

I do like it when everyone shows up, tires me out, but in a good way.  I enjoy the cooking and getting caught up with everyting going on.  My getting everyone caught up takes about 2 minutes.  Nothing ever changes here.  Get up in the morning, go to work, come home, play on the computer, maybe do a load of dishes, make supper, go to bed, repeat.  Exciting huh?  But, everyone knows where I am all the time.

I put a roast in the oven for tonight.  Not sure what I am going to do with it,  depends on if I feel like peeling potatoes or not or if I'll just have sandwiches.  Right now sandwiches are winning.  Potatoes and gravy would sure taste good though.  We'll see.

So, that's my Wednesday, hope yours is going good, get out and enjoy the sunshine!

Tuesday, April 5, 2011


During the past 2 days I have managed to have 1 argument per day.

Yesterday it was with the guy I called about getting our gas pumps up and running.  None of the different grades of gas were being dispensed.  He tried to tell me that it couldn't happen to all of them at once and did I know the difference between them.  What?  I work at a convenience store, oh yeah, we sell gas!  Blew up at him.  He deserved it.

Today a truck driver came in and proceeded to tell me that I did not know how to do a T-Check with an authorzization code.  Once again I repeat, I work at a convenience store.  The past couple of days someone has been doing his code incorrectly.  I blew up.  I don't think I have ever had that loud of an argument with a customer before.  Moral:  customer is not always right.  We did get it straightened out and hopefully the next time (ugh) he comes in, this can be avoided.

Maybe tomorrow I will have a calmer day. 

Gas price in St. Boni was at 3.79 per gallon.  Come on people, get real.  How can they make any money selling it 20 cents higher than most of us around here?  Little bit of gouging going on?  I know that down in the cities that is where the price is at, still ridiculousl.

Next week at work, we start making our own donuts again.  Good thing I remember how to do them, since it was my idea.  Did a comparison between the cost of doing them our selves and getting in the thaw & serve.  About a 30 - 50 cent difference.  At least we will be making a bit more per donut, and can always make more fresh if need be.  The thing with donuts is this, if they haven't sold by noon, they probably won't sell.  We have a couple of people (I use the term loosely) that work in the afternoon, that think it is just wrong for the display case to be empty.  Idiots.

So far, that is how my week is going, and it's only Tuesday!

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Becoming self sufficient

I have discoved something new about myself this past week.  I can be self sufficient.  I don't necessarily need to have people around me all the time, and I can learn how to do simple things around the house.  I always knew how to do the simplest, but I'm talking about dismantling a bed, putting it back together, you know the stuff we have husbands for.

I finally got both the bedrooms done, the kitchen table moved, cabinets moved and I am still alive to talk about it.

Taking the bed apart was very interesting.  Foot board, no problem, first side of head board no problem, second side, problem.  Bolts didn't want to come loose.  Had to find the old socket set, then figure out how to use the darn thing.  I did.  Putting it back together was another problem.  Cast iron head and foot board, heavy.  Went to put the head board onto the frame, darn thing damn near fell on my head.  Luckily it missed.  Got it together, wrong position in room.  Clear everything out to move bed around.  Got it done, made and looking pretty good.  Few little things to move around in there, but it is ready for visitors.

I did end up with a very sore back.  Tried to get out of bed this morning, couldn't hardly stand up straight.  Laid back down for a little while, semed to help.  I have been sleeping so good on the twin bed, 7 to 8 hours at a time.  Haven't done that for I don't know how long.

Got up around 4:30, had coffee and a fruit roll up for breakfast.  Gathered all my garbage together, had it out by 6.  Of course, throughout the day I have managed to accumulate more.  Another trip in the morning.  Got my bed stripped, and re-made, laundry all done, dishes done, cake made, kitchen table moved into the new dining room.  So I am now ready to lay down.

One problem, as soon as I lay down and start to drift off, the neighbor decides that is when he has to load up his snowmobile.  I am pretty sure this is the same one who got hung up on ice.  Brilliant person.  Revving that thing up, hope he burned something out.  Serve him right.  Idiot.

What a beautiful day weather wise.  I opened up a few windows to air out the old house.  Turned the thermostat down to 60, and enjoyed the fresh air coming in.  Have since closed a couple of the windows, but hey, I'm not that young any more.  Cold air just gets to me faster.

Was planning on going out to storage and starting in there, guess it will have to wait until next weekend.  After all the crap isn't going any place (although I wish it would run away).  So that's been my day so far and it is only 1:30.  What to do, What to do.

Enjoy the day and the sunshine.

Monday, March 28, 2011

What to write, what to write

So there you have it, an inside look into my bedroom!  Not quite finished, but close enought that I am using the room.

Next couple of steps consists of:  1.  Dismatleing the old bed and  moving it to spare bedroom.
                                                   2.  Cleaning out storage shed and moving garage sale items there.
                                                   3.  Setting up new dining room.
                                                   4.  Measure, cut, install chair rails and mouldings
                                                   5.  Have garage sale (make lots of money).
                                                   6.  If enough money made - new carpet for living room.
                                                   7.  Take out dishwasher and re-place with small freezer.
                                                   8.  Lay new linoleum in kitchen.

By the time I am finished, no one will recognize the place.  Actually, I should say by the time Adam, Collin, Miranda, Amber, Lillian and I are done.  Hoping to get all the help I can.  Adam said that as long as I keep feeding him, he will gladly help out.  Wonder if that works the same with the rest?

That's about all I have today.

Thought:  When Spring does finally get here, will we recognize it?

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Holes, drilling, moving

So I decided last night that I would drill a hole through the front bedroom wall for the cable cord.  A little nervouse about it.  What if I hit electrical?  ZAP!  But, I didn't.  Even used the stud finder to make sure to miss any, well, you know, studs.  One, two, three, hole through wall, TV and cable hooked up and working.  I can now officially sleep in my new room.  Laid down in there for about an hour this afternoon.  Very comfy.

Took one of my arm chairs from the living room and put it in there in a corner.  Now if I just want to sit and read or heaven forbid, put on socks, I have a place to do so.  The room looks really nice.  When (you will notice I said when, not if) the weather ever straightens out, then the boards can get cut and attached to the walls.  Then it will be done.

As for the rest of my house.  Let's just say, I have a lot to do yet.  It never seems to take as long to mess something up as it does to clean it up.  Good thing I have tomorrow.  Big plans and all that.  I miss my clean and organized home.  How I ever lived the way we did before is beyond me.  Although I will admit it is much easier cleaning up after one person than two or more.  I don't have anyone to blame for the mess except me, and believe me, I can be pretty hard on myself to get things done. 

I took pictures of the room and will have them up tomorrow.  I always think about it at the wrong time.

Well, that's been my Saturday so far.  Hope you are having a restful, peaceful, enjoyable day!

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Messy, Messy, Messy.....Clean

I got the carpet laid out in the front bedroom, even managed to get the heat vent cut in (and a very nice job, if I do say so), dressers are in place, bed is moved in and made.

Now, if I can just find the rest of my clean house again.  It's there some place, I just know it is.  It will probably take me all weekend to find it, but I will.  Only things left to do in the room is put up the chair rail and the floor mouldings.  They can wait until the kids can come and help.  Some things you just can't do yourself.

I am doing pretty good at the quitting smoking, slipped a bit today, start again tomorrow.  I am determined to be done with them before Easter.  The busier I stay the easier it is.  Although I do have to stop once in a while and sit down.  Legs and feet and back just can't do the things they used to do.

Tomorrow after work I plan on moving clothing around so that I can get my big closet used for storage.  I am hoping that I can move the boxes of tools by myself.  Should have brought in the dolly when it was nice out, could have used that and made just one or two trips.  Spring has to be here soon, doncha think?

The room is looking pretty much as I envisioned it, which is surprising.  Usually I am disappointed in the final result.  Have to keep an eye out for art work, but garage sales are coming.  Took some pictures and will try to get them posted tomorrow, too tired to figure it out now.

Thought for the day:  If you feel like you have taken on too much, do you cut back, or just keep plugging away?

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Patch's, auctions, stupidity

First day of having a patch on.  So far so good.  The wanting is there, but not so bad to be going out and buying a pack. 

Was a dumb day to start stopping.  Large consignment auction next door to where I work.  Men are retarded.  They managed to park in front of the diesel pumps so that no truckers could get in and fill up.  Park by the back door where our deliveries are made, and park in an area where they fill up with bulk fuel.  What are these people thinking?  I use the term people very loosely.  For some reaon when men go to an auction their super strength stupid gene kicks in.  Don't get it.  Usually they end up spending twice as much for something used as they could have gotten it for new.  Just don't get it.  But I survived to work another day.

I plan on laying down for a little while and then, hopefully, getting busy.  I would like to get the carpet laid out in the front bedroom, clothes moved to the other dressers and a couple of other little things.  Won't be too long and I will be done in that room.  Then, with a little luck, it will be nice enough outside to concentrate on getting the yard cleaned up.  Man, can winter ever leave a mess behind!

I also am anxiously awaiting the moment when my thyroid meds are working.  I want to come home and have the energy to take out the garbage, mop the floors, make the bed and all that other good stuff.  It's only been a couple of days, so not too surprised that I am still tired.  Of course my schedule doesn't help matters.  Up at 2 am, off to work by 4 am, home by 12:30 pm, in bed by 7 pm.  My body doesn't know what to think at one one time of day.

Thought for the day:  When men get excited about spending money, why can't it be on something we want?!

Monday, March 21, 2011

Busy, Busy, busy

Okay, so I haven't been on here for a couple of days.  So sue me.  I had  busy week.

Monday, I had labs at the clinic, Tuesday had to call the roofers to replace some of my new shingles,  Wednesday went to Hutch to get carpeting for the front bedroom, Thursday, Dr. app't (she is very happy with all my numbers), Friday, Miranda brought Lily down, waited for carpet to be delivered.  Saturday and Sunday Lily here, she had fun helping Grandma paint some boards.  She wouldn't let me give her a bath because she got paint on her leg and thought that was just the greatest thing.

Finally finished all the boards and the floor.  Today, painted the 2nd dresser, cleaned off the sidewalk with all the accumulated dirt and debris from winter.  Tomorrow - going to get the carpet in the front bedroom.

Started my thyroid meds on Sunday.  Hopefully they will kick in and I won't be so tired all the time.  Tomorrow I put on a patch to help quit smoking.  I know that I am ready to quit, just need the extra little bit of help.  If I don't smoke, it really doesn't bother me, as long as I can stay busy.  Shouldn't be a problem.

After work and on the weekends, I plan on going out to storage and start hauling garbage back here to the dumpster, that is if we don't end up with a lot of snow.  Saturday morning I have to go in to work for a couple of hours.  That will seem weird to get up on Saturday and leave the house.  Not that I don't ever leave on a Saturday, just usually not that early.

I have decided to sell my dishwasher at the garage sale.  I don't use it any more and my little upright freezer will fit in that same spot.  Yeah!  I wasn't sure what I was going to do with it.  So as soon as I can get both boys here, that is the one thing I am hoping to have them do.  Then all that is left is the chair rail and floor moulding.  Can't wait to get the garage sale behind me.  Winsted's isn't until May 21.  Howard Lake's is the 30th of April, so I may open up that day also.  We'll see.

I have so much stuff to get rid of, lots of kitchen stuff, tools, grills, etc.  If you need something, come to it, I probably have it or more than one of whatever you are looking for.

Thought for the day:  If you can't find something, do you go and buy another, or just do with out?
 (Answer:  Do without!)

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Dr.'s, Tests, etc

Had my follow up visit today to get the results of my lab work that was done on Monday.  Guess what?  I'm still alive!  All kidding aside, 3 months without the dibetic medicine and my numbers have stayed the same.  They did figure out that my thyroid is out of wack, so will be taking meds for that.  That is the reason that I always feel so tired.  Although, if it starts making me gain weight I will be having it switched.  Don't ever want to go back to being a blimp again.

I should really be emptying the front bedroom, just don't have the energy for it.  I will get a start on it soon though.  My carpeting is coming tomorrow, yeah!  Only a couple of more steps and I will be in that room and I will gain a formal dining room to boot.

Miss Lily is coming to spend the weekend with me.  I think maybe I will have her help me paint the floor.  If I put her in the middle of the room, it should be all good.  That and the weather on Saturday is supposed to be not so great, so have to find stuff to do in the house.

Short one today.

Thought for the day:  If you think hard enough to come up with a thought, does that count?

Tuesday, March 15, 2011


No, I haven't gotten a dog and then trained him to say that.  Get real.  I did, however, have some new shingles blow off in a recent wind..  Called the roofing company and they sent someone out to fix not only the ones that had blown off, but he was all over the roof.  Weird hearing footsteps above, haven't since I lived in an actual 2 story house, many years ago.  But, it's done now, and hopefully done correctly.  Let the rain come.

Tomorrow after work I am going to buy carpeting for the front bedroom.  Kind of excited and nervous at the same time.  Never had to do that before.  New experience and all that.  One step closer to getting it finished.

This weekend, Lily is coming to stay with me.  Maybe I'll put her to work helping Grandma get things moved around.  Should be interesting.  After I get home tomorrow, will clean everything out of that room, get the floor painted so it has a good amount of time to dry before laying the carpet.  Once the carpet is in, then I can set up the bed, dressers, TV and all that good stuff.  I can't wait.  The last time I had a bedroom all to myself (not counting now with Arlen gone) was when I was in high school.  LOOOOOONG time ago!

Speaking of a long time ago, my 35th year High School reunion should be coming up here this summer.  Debating on whether or not to go.  It will be down in Echo, which is close to Vesta, which is where my Monther-in-Law lives.  Not planning on staying there though.   If I go, I am hoping that I can stay with my one Aunt.  She said that I am always welcome, and I don't doubt her. 

Made a home made pizza today from scratch.  Yup, dough and everything.  Sure tasted a lot different than the ones we have at work.  Was also a lot more filling.  Ate a couple of hours ago, and am still full!  Will refridgerate the leftovers and have them tomorrow for supper.

Once again I have no thought for the day.  Bring on the warmer weather and Spring!

Saturday, March 12, 2011

the poor relative

Have you ever felft like the poor relative of your family?  You know, the one that you don't know if your relatives really care about you or if they just tolerate you because they have to.

I have been feeling that way for a long time.  I have had relatives tell me, don't worry about paying me back, my investments are doing great, sending you money to get whatever you need.  That kind of thing.  I know they mean well, but some days it is just harder to take than others.

Even when I was making decent money, I still felt that way.  Christmas would come around and you get those annoying letters of what everyone has done the past year. The ones, so and so went to Hawaii, or a different state on vacation.  So and so spent the summer at their lake home, and the other so and so has expanded their business.


I feel that no matter how hard I try, I will never quite acheive anything.  I should just be glad that basically I am healthy, have a roof over my head, food on the table and all that stuff.  When you are sitting here alone and trying to find something interesting to do or to watch on TV, it gets very hard to keep a positive attitude.

My biggest goal in life was to always take a vacation that didn't involve staying with relatives.  Now that I am alone, it just doesn't seem so appealing.  First of all where would I go, second of all would I even enjoy myself being alone on vacation.  Might as well be a monk or whatever.

As you can see, I am feeling just a little bit sorry for myself today.  Which is why I sat down and did this.  Hoping it would help, not sure that it did.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Wonder where the time goes?

Do you ever wonder about where the time goes?  I mean, you look at the clock and say it's 10 am, then the next time you look it's 1 pm.  Where are those 3 hours?  They have to be there somewhere.  They don't just disappear.  And if they do, why can't they do so during the boring parts of the day?  Oh well, something to think about.

No, I didn't forget to do this yesterday, just didn't feel like doing it.  There are days when I don't feel like doing much of anything, so I don't.  Deep insight into my personality.  Aren't you lucky?

Today I don't have much to say, glad it's Friday and all that, but who doesn't feel that way?  I am just full of questions, now if someone can come up with the answers, that would be absolutely lovely.

I wish I had important stuff to write about.  You know, like, what the kids are doing, what they are learning, my goals for whatever, my view points on religion, politics, etc.  I just don't seem to have very many opinions about much anymore.  I used up all my decision making skills the past 7 or so years, now I just go with what ever seems to be the easiest.  So far it seems to be working for me.  Guess I'll just keep on with it for now.

I do really want to quit smoking.  Been thinking about it, but not doing much about it.  It is easier when you can keep busy.  The problem I have is this, I don't have enough to keep busy.  If I were to quit doing everything that I typically have a cigarette with the list would be long.  I would have to quit driving, eating, going to the bathroom, reading, doing puzzles, watching TV, being on the computer, cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, well you get the idea.  Please don't tell me it is just a matter of making up my mind and sticking to it.  For those of you who have never smoke, your opinion doesn't mean much.  For those of you who have smoked in the past and have quit, HELP! 

I have a Dr. app't on Thursday next week, guess we'll see if the insurance will pick up the patches, they won't pick up the lozenges.  They would rather pay for medicine and hospitals then help a person get over something.  Don't get it.

This weekend I am going to pull staples from the bedroom floor.  Maybe if I can keep my hands and mind busy I will get a head start on it.  I am getting excited about starting to see the end of the tunnel in the room though., 

Once the staples are out, then I can concentrate on flooring, and having Adam come down with the air compressor to put up the chair rail and moulding.  Then I can finally move everything.  Of course if Adam comes, I expect Miranda and the girls to also show up.  I will even cook again.  Bribery seems to work every time.  If Collin and Amber also want to come for a meal, that's even better.

I did manage to finish the painting in the room, with Miranda's help for the first half.  Got the curtains hung up, they go really well with the paint colors.  Of course they should, I took one of the tie backs with when I went and got the paint.  The colors got Collin and Brandon's approval, now with a nice crisp white chair rail to separate the colors, it should look like I have envisioned it.  Will have to get pictures after it's all done and post them.

Thought for the day:  Don't have one, nope my mind is completely blank.  Is that normal for a Friday?

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Coffee cups, Coffee Cups

I am missing one of my large coffee cups.  Had 8, now only have 7.  I have looked everywhere for it.  It must have grown legs and left.  Wish I got that much ambition from coffee!

I just read my daughter's post about being tired.  Poor baby.  It is hard enough to have kids and try to get enough sleep to be able to function, but then to not feel well, and have one kid waking up all the time, and the other one doing what she did, I say, sucks to be you!  Just kidding.  I remember those days, and if I lived closer I would so help out, hopefully she knows that.

Was not a fun trip into work this morning.  Bad as it is at 4 am, when it is snowing, and the roads are covered, (thankfully no drifting) and you can't tell where the road is, it really bites the big one.  Once in a while I would catch myself driving on the wrong side or down the middle.  At least I didn't meet anyone on the way there.  The roads were much better coming home.  Maybe tomorrow I will be able to take the car, providing it doesn't snow anymore.

I was planning on going up to Miranda's the 19th, but now they are talking another snow storm later in the week next week.  Is it ever going to end?    Then the 26th, I am going to be working for a couple of hours to help out.  Why they hire people to work weekends, and then let them get away with asking for time off, I will never know.  It is always the same weekend people asking for the time off.  Either commit to the job, or quit.  There are plenty of people out there who would gladly work whatever hours are available.  Also, when I was manager, if someone couldn't work, and no one else would help out or there wasn't anyone else, I ended up working the hours.  In my humble opinion, the owners (who aren't on the schedule) should be picking up those shifts.

I don't plan on doing much when I am there that day.  6 days in a row, yuck.  But it will give me something to do for a little while.

Week days aren't so bad when I get home, I enjoy the peace and quiet.  Weekends, on the other hand, pretty rough.  Only have the cats to talk to.  Don't have a lot of housework to do, so there isn't much to keep me busy.  Way to much time to sit and think and feel sorry for myself, and worry about every little thing.  Sometimes I find myself worrying that if I eat something and start to choke, what am I to do, same thing with taking a shower, what if I fall?  Gotta be paranoia and old age setting in.  I get over it, after all I have to eat, and I refuse to go around all stinky!

Thought for the day:  How do you know if you really are getting paranoid or not?  Do you listen to the voice in your head, or tell it to shut up?

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

People in general

Have you ever run across truly stupid people?  Not the ones who are just acting stupid, but the genuine article?  The ones that if you say hello, they feel they have the right to tell you their life story?  The ones who ask really stupid questions?  You know, like this for example:  "Where exactly am I?"  Look at a map.

I deal with some stupid people every day.  They will ask for one thing, then look you in the eye and mutter, yes mutter, that's not what I said.  Do their brains not kick into gear before they open their mouth, or don't they realize what and how they look? 

There is also the matter of how these people dress.  Look in a mirror before walking out door.  Make sure clothes fit like they are supposed to, make sure hair is brushed and/or combed.  Please wash and use deodorant.  Very few people like the natural smell that accumulates after a week.

Oh, and please put on actual clothing.  Yesterday at work, this one lady (and I use the term loosely) came into the store, light weight sweatshirt, capris, and of all things, flip flops.  Get a clue, this is Minnesota, it is not the Bahama, Hawaii or the Carribean.  It was sloppy and wet and the wet was cold.  These are also the same people that then exclaim "I can't believe how cold it is, is it ever going to warm up?"  Duh, do you see snow on the ground?  Of course it's cold, it's winter.

We also get the ones in who think they are just the funniest person alive.  We had one goof in that claimed that women when they get older just get older.  What? 

I am sure you have all had your share of run ins with this type of person.  Doesn't make it easier to deal with, just makes it easier to laugh at.  So go ahead and laugh, chuckle, chortle, giggle or guffaw.  They have it coming.

Thought for the day:  If you run across enough stupid people, does that make you smarter for recognizing them?

Monday, March 7, 2011

Ooph Da!

My fingers just don't want to work today.  But why should they be any different than the rest of me?

I have mis-placed a coffee cup, and it is driving me nuts!  May not seem like a big deal, but I have had this set for about 2 years, haven't broke any pieces, a couple of plates have a chip or so, I can live with that.  But to lose a cup, and not a small cup either!  I looked in the fridge, the dishwasher, the freezer, every single room in the house, no cup.  It had better turn up soon.

They have taken away the blizzard forecast.  Thank God.  I am so ready for winter to be over.  Tired of the ice, snow, wind, cold and everything else associated with it.  Am really tired of the snowmobiles.  I had to park my car as close to the house as I could, as there is one person down here that feels he has the right to go between the house and car on his snowmobile.  What an idiot.  I am guessing that it is the same person who got stuck on an icy patch, revved it up and was throwing ice chunks towards the Jeep.  Wish he would have hit the vehicle, I could have gotten him good for that.

Collin, Brandon and Alicia came down on Saturday to help me finish getting the crap out of the front room.  All of the peg board (except for 2 pieces) is out, the cruddy old office chair that the cats destroyed is gone.  Collin is going to grab all of the printers I have here and take them back with him at Easter.  They have city wide clean up with free curb side service for anything for free.  It is cheaper to buy a new printer than it is to buy the ink cartridges!  How insane is that?  The next printer I get is going to be one that my camera memory card can go into.

My brain just shut down.  Must not be able to find anything important enough to put down.

Thought for the day:  Should all snowmobilers be shot or what?

Friday, March 4, 2011

Shoulda, woulda, coulda, who knows?

Absolutely nothing to do with the title.  Just couldn't think of anything.  I should put more thought into it each time, and I would, except, usually my brain is on over load anyway.

Well, it's Friday.  Need I say more.  Looking forward to tomorrow.  I will have people to cook for!  I know that sounds so far fetched.  Really, who wants to cook, and then for extra people?  Me,. that's who.  For one thing, I enjoy it, and for another, I get to have a full meal, not just a sandwich or bowl of cereal.  Those of you who have ever lived alone, know that it is no fun to try to come up with meals for one.  So, yes, I do look forward to the cooking, the mess and even the clean up.  I have discovered that I don't mind doing dishes.  I haven't used the dishwasher in probably 2 months.

Decided to skip the Cousin Bash in Paynesville on the 19th.  My Mom was going to come down, but with the price of gas, she decided she would rather be here for Easter.  Which is fine with me.  As of right now, I am planning on going up to Miranda's for the 19th & 20th.  There is a circus in Sauk Rapids (I think that's what she said) and I have never been to a circus.  Look forward to it.  Crowds, noise and stink of it all!

Got my pan of brownies made and cooling.  That is after I had to run up town to get cocoa.  Hard to make anything chocolate with that ingredient.  Planning on trying something new for the topping.  I am going to take some marshmallows, melt them with some peanut butter and put them on the bars, then make a chocolate fudge frosting and spread over it all.  Hope it turns out.

Sounds like we are in for some really nasty weather next week.  Right now they are predicting blizzard like conditions for Tuesday.  If we get that, I am not going in to work.  No job is worth risking your life for to get there.  If other people are smart, they will also stay home, so there would be nothing for me to do anyway.  Much as I need the money, I do have to put myself first once in a while.  Trying hard to remember that.

That pretty much raps it up for this week.  Will jabber at you some more on Monday.

Thought for the day:  Stop thinking so much!

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Falling down, getting up

No really, when you fall down you almost have to get back up.  At least that is how I have always done it.  Not that I enjoy falling, and I don't do it very often, but you know, stuff happens.

Stuff like, having a step stool sitting in the way of where you walk, waling with boxes in your hands, forgetting said stool is there, catching foot on stool, hello floor.  Ouch.

Yep, that happened to me at work today.  My left knee is pretty banged up, but it is a good thing I have strong bones, just bruised.  Not only my knee, but also my ego (just a tiny bit).  At the moment, you feel like a fool, but thankfully, no one else except my co-worker saw what happened.  Didn't hurt enough to even bring tears to the eyes, more of an "I can't believe I was that stupid to do that" moment.

Ah, it is the dumbest things in life and bring the most clarity.  In my younger days, I would have been bawling and just plain been a pain in the ass.  Maturity, guess it has it's finer points.

I recently saw a post on FB about why there is always so much bitching that goes on at work.  I am assuming, since I know this person, that he works mainly with women.  For some unknown reason, when women work together, they have to see who can out bitch the next.  It is inbred and an unwanted curse.  Oh, we try to control it, but then, everyone else calls us a stuck up bitch.  It will never change, nor do we really want it to.  A lot of the times we bitch because there is nothing else we can do about certain situations, to either correct or change them.  Sometimes, it is a fact, that some people at work enjoy thinking they are in charge and therefor don't have to do the same amount of work.  So, they bitch that nothing is getting done.  If they would just do the work and quit the bitching about it, just think how much easier every one's lives would be.  Oh, to be in that perfect world.

I have discovered, however, that the ones who bitch the loudest and the most, are usually the ones that have the least amount of control over anything in their personal lives.  Sad really when you think about it.  They are not to be pitied, they should not be coddled, and they should never be listened to.  They will try to make your life miserable.  I have news for them, being miserable is my responsibility, and I am not sharing it with any body else!  I control each and every one of my emotions, I refuse to give that power to someone else.

Thought for the day:  What would happen if you fell down, forgot to get up and then started bitching about it?  Would anybody care?

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Just wondering

I sat here last night and started thinking about what I have done with my life so far.  I came up with this fact, not much.  I got married twice, once divorced, once widowed.  Had 3 children, 2 of whom survived.  That pretty much sums it up.

I haven't done anything important or news worthy.  I haven't made any changes that would affect anyone except myself.  I haven't made a lot of friends throughout the years.  When I pass away, I often wonder, who is going to care enough to show up.  I might have to try and change a few things.

I have thought of volunteering at something, I just don't know what, and now with the price of gas, it can't be very far away.  I have no marketable skills that are worth teaching anyone, and I have no intention of going back to school.  I think my brain is too old and too full of crap to absorb anything new.

I adore my kids and their spouses.  They both made excellent choices for life partners.  My 3 grand kids are probably the most amazing kids.  The oldest, Brandon, avidly adores his 2 little girl cousins.  I will never have to worry about any one picking on or bullying them.  He will be right there, loving and protecting with all his heart.

It amazes me that for an almost 10 year old boy, he still likes (so far) getting hugs and giving hugs from Grandma.  I kind of like that also.  Hugs are great.

I always thought the past 7 years how great it would be to have just a couple of days all to myself.  To do nothing, or to get it all done at once.  Now that I have that, I find that I miss the companionship and company of another person.  The cats are good company, but a little hard to have a two way conversation with.  I never know if they are agreeing with me, or telling me to go to hell!  I don't really want to know.

The kids are great and try to be as accommodating as possible, but they have their own lives to live, and I don't want to intrude just because I feel needy or down in the dumps.  I had a min-melt down last night watching something or other on TV.  Sometimes they just jump up out of the chair, stare me in the face, and say, HA HA, here I am.  They don't last long, and I find myself berating me for feeling that way.  It doesn't get me any where, shoot, it doesn't even make me feel better, just more tired.

So the big question I find myself asking is this.  Do I really want to change certain things in my life, and if so, do I want to do it for me, or so that nobody feels like they have to worry about me?

If you have an answer, please let me know.  That is my thought for the day.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

OOps, skipped a few days.

Must be having senior moments, skipped the whole weekend and was too tired to post yesterday.

Saturday, Miranda came down to help me paint the front room.  Used to be Arlens' "tool" room (more like junk), it will eventually become my bedroom, and the room I am in now will become the dining room.  I know it sounds crazy, but the room I am currently in is right off the kitchen, so it only makes sense.

What is really going to sound crazy is this.  I am going from a full size bed down to a twin.  It is after all just me and the cats that lay in or on it.  This way, if for some reason the kids get stuck down here in a snow storm or other crappy weather, I won't have to give up my bed for them.  So, yes, I have thought it all out.

Now I just hope the room comes together the way I have envisioned it.  Sometimes what I see in my mind and what I see as an end result, are two completely different things.  Keeping my fingers crossed.

This coming Saturday, Collin is coming to help me clean out some more stuff from the room.  I have a whole pile of peg board that I don't need, so we are going to haul it out.  Thank goodness, we won't have to try and get it in the dumpster.  The park manager said to just place it by the shed or the office and if they wanted or needed it they would take care of it.

I talked to my Mom the other day and she asked if it would be okay if she came down for Easter.  Of course it would.  She knows that she is always welcome here, shouldn't even have to ask.  Now just have to find out what the kids are doing for Easter.  Thinking of doing it on Saturday since I have to work on Monday and I know that Mom won't want to get up at 3 am and be on the road by 4.  Boy if I didn't have to, I sure wouldn't.

I wish that I could think of something serious to write about, but right now, my life is pretty tame.  I am enjoying it after the past 7 years of wondering what was going to happen.  Most of my back aches have disappeared, I'm sleeping better and am spending lots of time out in the living room.  It even drives me crazy to think about going to bed without having the dishes washed and drying.  What  a complete turn around!

So far for the garage sale I have the following items, lots of hand tools, some power tools, a wood planer, lots of DVD's, lots of small kitchen stuff, a microwave, a toaster oven, bread machine, rotisserie, 2 grills, one is a 6 burner gas with the tank, the other is charcoal, a food processor, electric juicer, pots, pans and dishes.
Possibility of even having the car on there.  '93 Mercury Grand Marquis.  Nice car, but I don't really need 2 vehicles.  There will also be some Christmas stuff, including a 7'rotating pre-lit tree.  Beautiful, I just don't have the room for it.  So far no clothes, that isn't what I am trying to get rid of.  There is also a Bunn coffee maker, and for those of you who have priced them, they are expensive, comes with the book and everything.

So not only will it be a sale for the women, but for the men as well.

Thought for today:  When your life changes unexpectedly, and you start to clear out the clutter that was left behind, how do you know for sure what is important enough to keep and what you should get rid of?

Second thought:  Remember, you are your own toughest critic.  Never ask yourself if you are treating yourself right, or if you could be doing something different, just be you, that's how we all know and love you.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Oh Well

A well:  a hole in the ground that contains water.

Just in case you were wondering about the definition.

Well, (not the water kind) it is finally Friday.  Some weeks I have my doubts that it will ever arrive, then boom, there it is.  I'm not sure why I look forward to it.  It could be any number of reasons.  The most important being, I am away from work for 2 days, away from annoying customers, idiot co-workers and bosses who just don't seem to care all that much.

Instead I get a lot a peace and quiet.  Almost too much, not that I look forward to Monday rolling around, but once in a while it would be nice to have someone to talk to besides the cats.  I always seem to have these big ambitions for the weekend, what I am going to get done, how much of it I get done is another story.  This weekend I really want to get the front room taped off and ready for paint.  Seems like the older I get, the longer it takes to get things done.  Don't worry, someday it will happen to you also!

Today yet, I have to get laundry and dishes done.  Never ending tasks,  you get everything clean, you turn around and there it is waiting to be done again.  Talk about a rut.  I guess as long as the rut doesn't get too deep, I am doing good.  Would be so much easier to do this stuff if only I could have the windows and doors open, fresh clean air coming in and the songs of birds for the background music.  Don't laugh, I happen to like birds and squirrels.

My daughter thinks I am nuts for liking them, but honestly, how can you not?  They mean the beginning of a new season or a new day that is full of promise for all the things that you need, want, or hope for.  Plus, it really drives the cats nuts to hear and see them outside.  Fun to watch how they handle it.  Such simple lives they have.

I ran out of things to say.

Not looking forward to filling up the vehicles with gas.  When I first started driving, you know, like a million years ago, gas was a whole whopping 50 cents a gallon.  I knew that it would go up, but this is getting a little on the ridiculous side.  Whatcha goin' to do?  Gotta have gas to get to work.

Thought for the day:  If you hope for something hard enough and it doesn't happen, does that mean that you should give up hope or just change your expectations?

Thursday, February 24, 2011

So unable to spell correctly

All my life I have been blessed with the ability to spell words correctly.  Until now.  For some unknown reason, every word that I can hear myself thinking, I can't begin to figure out how to spell them.  Until I no longer need to.  Drives me crazy.

It's kind of like when you see some one in a movie, you know their name, it's on the tip of your tongue, but you just can't wrap your brain around it.  Then WHAM 3 days later, you just blurt it out in the middle of a conversation that has no connection to it.  For some reason the person you are talking to gives you that look.  Yeah, you know it, the one that says,"Are you nuts?".  No.  Just 3 days late in my thinking.

The last two weeks I have felt like crap.  I was lucky enough to get the wonderful cold that is going around.  Or the creeping crud, as I like to call it.  Tried everything to help with the cough, the plugged, yet drippy nose, body aches, you know what I am talking about.  Finally bought Coricidin.  Try it, it works wonders.  You actually feel human again. Each little pill lasts for about 6 hours.  You still cough a little, but you don't feel like a lung is going to pop out each time.

Got all my bills paid, the ones that were due from now until the 10th of next month.  I don't need to buy anything except milk, bread and gas.  Well, there goes that extra money, The gas prices alone are enough to break a person.  I don't know how some people are going to be able to get to work.  Between paying for day care and fuel it's going to be hard.  I know that it will cut back on my chasing.  Not that I do so much of it, but it is still going to cut into it pretty good.  Kind of a round robin thing.  Go to work, to pay for gas to go to work, and on and on and on.  Like being on a round-a-bout and not being able to figure out how to get off.

I just realized that while most people use their blogs for important life matters, I just use mine because I no longer have anyone to talk to at home.  So if it seems that I am rambling, which I probably am, either please forgive and allow me to ramble, or bugger off.  No one is making you read this.  I pity you if someone is forcing you to read the whole thing.

Thought for the day:  When life hands you lemons, make a pie, then sit down, eat the whole darn thing and laugh at everyone else who made lemonade.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Time to think

Sometimes having too much time on your hands, causes your brain to go into overtime.

You overthink everything.  You doubt your own ability to do things.  You wonder if you are doing them for the right reasons or not.  You second guess every decision.  I don't know what the solution is, usually I just end up telling myself to shut the h*** up and get on with it.

One of the hardest things I have to overcome is the dread I feel about going places by myself.  I don't like shopping alone and I don't like shopping for me.  For so many years when I would go shopping, I always looked for things for my family.  My family is now grown and I have no idea of what they want or need, which is the way it should be. 

It should also be easier to shop for me.  After all, I am the only one here.  I have discovered that I don't need or really even want a lot of stuff.  I have enjoyed getting rid of or just plain throwing things away.  I recently got rid of 6 black garbage bags of clothes, now I have so much room in the closet and so many empty hangers, what a great feeling.

The clothes that I got rid of were all way to big.  I don't know how many of you know it, but I have lost close to 100 pounds.  It is very hard to get the mind set out of the larger sizes.  I look at the pants I am now wearing and each and every day, think to myself, there is no way they are going to fit.  They do.  I still feel large and clumsy and very unattractive.  I have to work on that.  I don't wear makeup, it is just way to much work.  I used to, a long, long time ago.  You know when I had real jobs.  Dressed up, heels, the whole works.  Now I wear jeans and tennis shoes, make up just doesn't seem a high priority.

I want to get all the prep work done in the front room this week.  I would like to start painting, but that may have to wait until the weather is more stable.  I know that I will have lots of help.  They have the best paint out now.  Kilz paint that can be tinted or colored.  It is a primer and paint all in one.  Covers all kinds of stuff.  So any stains, or imperfections, say good bye.  I have to get some before and after pictures.  Hope I will be able to tell the difference!

Well, for not having had much to say, I have said quite enough.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

A new life

Okay, so it's been about 4 months since I last did this.  A lot has changed in my life since then.  I am just hoping to be able to handle it all.

On Dec. 11, 2010, my husband, Arlen, passed away during the worst blizzard that we have had in a long time.  I had been down to see him in the hospital and stayed all morning.  About an hour after getting home, the hospital called and said that he was gone.  Of course because of the weather and all the planning that had to be done, the memorial service wasn't for a week.  I decided to have him cremated, he was always so cold and now he won't be anymore.  I think I have handled this pretty well.  I hope so.

I have found myself getting angry with him lately.  There were so many things that he left undone and so many promises that he left unfulfilled.  The worse one was the one he made to me, that he would never leave me, he lied about that big time.  I know all about the 7 steps of grief.  I have already accepted that he is gone and that for him it is much easier.  I so far, have not had to struggle a whole lot.  Thank Goodness.

I have had wonderful support from family members, not just mine, but his also.  I don't know what I would have done without my Mother and both of my children.  They always seem to come through when I need them.  Let's not forget the grand kids.  What joy they bring into my life.  3 of the main reasons to continue to go on.  There are a lot more, but, family is a great motivator.

I know that if I feel the need to vent or get angry or cry, I can call any of them, and they will listen and comfort and assure me that it will all be okay.  I know that it will, I have no doubt about it.  I know that deep down I am a strong person and able to deal with a lot more that will no doubt come my way.

One of the other things that has changed in my home.  We had 8 cats.  Notice I said HAD.  I took 6 of them up the to tri-County Humane Society in St. Cloud.  I know that they will find themselves in good homes with people who have the time and energy to give them the attention and love they all deserve.  The two that I kept were two of the older ones, they help fill the void.  At least if someone is walking by and hears me talking, I know that I am not talking to myself.  They may not always give me the answer I want, but they know that I love them and they will agree to whatever I say (especially if treats are in the works).

I (and the kids) have been working to do some transformations in the house.  I will finally have a dining room that we can all sit down and eat together in, I will also have a calm and relaxing bedroom (I hope it turns out that way).  Now just have to wait for the warmer weather to paint, want to have the windows open when I do.

Planning on having a pretty good size garage sale come May.  Lots of tools and kitchen gadgets.  Arlen was a great believer that you could never have too many of the same thing.  So watch for updates with dates and times.

Guess I had quite a bit to talk about this time.  Will try to keep up with it better this go round.