Monday, January 23, 2012

Random thoughts

Since I got fired from my last job (believe it or not the first time ever) I have had plenty of time to have a lot of thoughts.  After all the weather and the job market are not helping the search at all.

I probably did look like I didn't enjoy going to work.  I enjoyed it before things started going all kerplooy.  It is very hard to enjoy it when you know that your boss doesn't think very hightly of you.  When they place a greather value on other employees just for the reason that they go running to him with every little thing.  I used to dread the mornings when he would be there before I got to leave.  No matter what every one else said, they enjoyed it when he wasn't there also.  What does that say about his leadership qualities?

I really don't care what trype of work I get, it just has to be dirt and dust free.  For some reason, I have found that I enjoy being able to breathe.  It would be nice to find something close by, but.....the chances of that happening are very slim.

If I had the means to open a business of my own, trust me I would have done it a long time ago!  I have also discovered that I have no latent talents ( of any sort).  Can't sing, can't write, can't dance, can't paint, can't focus evidentally.  Since I don't really have a passion for anything it makes looking for work twice as hard.

I know, I know, excuses, excuses, excuses.  The realization of your own shortcomings is never a pretty thing.  But they have to be addressed.  I am not good at trying to sell myself.  Never have been, probably never will be.  I am not going to lie to get a job, what good would that do?  It all just comes back to bite you in the you kinow what.

Believe it or not, I am not feeling sorry for myself.  I reserve that right for later in the night, after a day of having no where to go and no one to talk to.  As I said at the beginning, these are just the thoughts that go through my head every day.  Even I am getting tired of listening to them.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

1 Year

So it has been 1 year since Arlen passed away.  I still miss him just as much now, if not more, than when it first occured.

Terrible day last year.  If you remember, we had that horrible blizzard, roads were impassable.  Trust me, I know first hand.

Not a lot has changed.  I switched jobs and am looking now for one closer to home.  Driving 20 miles one way in the dark just isn't for me.  Our little Claire turned one on the 2nd of December, Lily is now 3 and so smart it is hard to believe.  Amber received her MBA and is now working for Regis, Collin is taking classes for his BA, Adam and Miranda are incredible parents to the girls and doing really well.  I am so very proud of them all, oh, don't forget Brandon.  He is getting to be such a young man.  I would say little, but he is almost as tall as I am, and he still has room in his heart to give Grandma hugs, and tell her things he won't tell any one else.  He also has a very pretty girlfriend, he does have good taste.

My house is all ready for Christmas.  I just don't know for sure when we will be having it.

Christmas for me has always been a bit on the difficult side.  I seem to get slightly depressed during this time of year.  Doesn't matter what is going on or with whom.  I just can't shake it.  Maybe it is becuase another year has come and gone and nothing has really changed in  my life.  It seems like the only time I get to see the kids is if there is a birthday or something going on.  I get to see the grand daughters once a month when they come to stay with me for their weekend, I so look forward to that weekend.  It means 2 days a month I don't sit here by myself.  I get to here them talk and laugh and play and just be kids.  Wonderful sounds.

I wish Arlen could be here to experience it all with me.  Like I said, I miss him every day.  Every one says it gets better and easier with time, but I am starting to have my doubts.  After a year, I still talk about us and we and out.  Crazy.  I will here a song on the radio and automatically thing "oh, this was one of his favorites" or see a new program on tv and think that I will have to remember to tell him about it.  I worry about everything and anything.  I can't seem to make decisions that need to be made and I have found myself putting things off until the last minute.  I hope that it does get easier and that I realize it when it happens.

Merry Christmas Honey, I love you.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Time is supppose to heal

I have been sitting here debating whether or not to keep doing this.  Still not sure, not very dedicated to it.  But here it goes.

You always hear the phrase "time heals all wounds" I am beginning to think that is a load of crap. 
Arlen has been gone for almost a year, I think about him every day, miss him more each time I think about him and in general am just plain lonely.  Time is not doing what it is suppose to.

Maybe it will get better in "time", maybe not.  I hear certain songs on the radio at work and think to myself "That was one of his favorites".  Now with the holidays coming up I don't know if it will be easier to get through them or more difficult.  This will be the first year for Thanksgiving that I know he won't be coming home from any hospital, just plain old won't be here.  He did love his turkey and all the fixins.

I started working the overnight hours thinking that since I wasn't sleeping well at night, I might as well be doing something.  Now I don't sleep well during the day.  Can't win for losing.  I know that I am not taking care of myself the way I should, but there is no one here to get after me.  Knowing and doing something about it is two completely different things.  Before I was so busy making sure that Arlen got everything he needed that I didn't have time to think about me, now I have the time and I just kind of am going along blindly.

Sounds like a giant pity party doesn't it?  Oh well, can't help that.  When you are sitting up at 3:30 in the morning, when you should be sleeping, you have a lot of time to think about things.  I have to find things to do during the day, and there just aren't a lot of options.  Don't need to clean, do dishes. laundry, grocery shop or any of that stuff.  Cleaning only takes about 20 minutes from start to finish.  When there is just you to clean up after, there isn't a lot to clean.

I really look forward to the weekends when Lily and Claire come to spend them with me.  They may tire me out, but it is 2 days of other voices in the house.  Quite can get to be very boring, and so far I haven't been able to get the cats to learn English.  Maybe a different language?

I am going to plod on and hope for the best.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Time for some changes

I have decided that my life needs some serious updating.  How, I don't have a clue.  I thought by finding a different job that would be a beginning.  Ooops, guessed wrong.  I am not happy where I am at now.

Don't get me wrong, it is probably a great job. Maybe just not for me.  I was told when I was hired to do the overnight shift that there would be 2 people on that shiff.  Guess what?  They forgot to hire some one else for it.  So now I am expected to do the work of 2 - 3 people by myself.  The other day I was told that the milk shelves can't be empty.  Really?  What is wrong with the previous shift (2-3 people) loading up the shelves.  If I go in the cooler I can't hear when the gas dinger goes off or if someone comes into the building.

Not only do I have to lug around 7-8 cases of bananas a night, check for outdates in the store, fill the fresh case with sandwiches, salads, etc, do the donuts (oh yeah, do them pretty?!), do all of the end of day restarts and reports plus wait on the customers.  Also am supposed to clean all the coffee makers, cappucino and fountain machines in my spare time.  Oh yeah, have to get the breakfast items going and get the case full, keep it full and help out on the registers at the same time.

I don't have a problem with working hard, but I woulod never expect one person to accomplish this by themselves.

It is bad enough that at home I don't have anyione to talk or vent to, let alone at night.  I should have said that I prefer the Hutch store and left it at that.  Some of the things (milk, for example) I was never told that it was my job to do.  Not once while being trained in.  Of course if you say something like that when they are pointing it out, it just comes off as an excuse.  If they want me to be alone at nighjt, leave me the hell alone when they get there, or start scheduling people to come in earlier so that I can get my jobs done!

Okay, I vented, I ranted, I raged, I still don't feel any better.  No offense guys, but it just isn't the same as having a person to talk to.  One last thing and then I'll let it go.  The one kid that I was working with talked to the Store Leader about staying there instead of going to Hutch and working the overnights with me.  They actually told him no, we have people hired, just have to get them trained in.  What?

I would really like to find something else, but I will do my best to meet their expectations, to keep the job I have, at least for the time being.  As soon as somegthing else comes along, I will be out of there.  Not even sure that I care what it is anymore.  Is that the4 wrong way to feel?  I don't know.

On to something new.  Had my yearly eye examine today.  Good news, the little spots or whatever they were are gone.  Bad news, I now have the beginning of cataracts.  Lucky me.  I am getting new glasses, hoping they look okay.  When you loook in the mirror with frames with just glass or plastic in them, how are you supposed to tell if they look decent.  Guess I'll just go with my gut feeling.

I think that I will let you off the pity party now and sign off.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Been a while

Been a while since I sat down to do this.  Not sure there is much new to talk about.  But, we'll see how it goes.

Garage sale(s) were a bust.  It rained every darn weekend I had it.  Now I just have to decide if any of the stuff left is worth keeping, or just throwing away.  Maybe 1/2 and 1/2/

Been doing some baking for the July 4th weekend.  We are all going up to my Mom's for her 75th birthday, and I just don't think she should have to provide all the snacks for everyone.  So, I've been making cookies.  Chocolate chip, Oatmeal Raisin, Soft & Fat Sugar, Rhubard (Lily calls them Ice Cream Cookies).  Will probably get some donut balls and maybe even some KrumKake made this weekend, hoping to get a couple of different bars made also.  Brownies for sure.

The one nice thing about taking my own stuff up is this, I can eat it.  Since it is all made with Splenda instead of real sugar

I hae a Dr. appointment on Thursday, I really need to ask her why after taking meds to control my Thryroid, I have started to gain back some of the weight I lost.  She told me it wouldn't happen.  I haven't changed my eating habits, or my exercise level (which has always been pretty much nothing).  The only thing I can think of is that the stress level in my life has gone down significantly.

I had a job interview with Kwik Trip last Thursday.  I think it went really well and am hoping to hear from them before heading up to Mom's.  The girl I work with had one today.  Thank goodness she at least changed her shirt.  She was wearing an old faded sweatshirt and jeans, thought it was appropriate.  She had one of her uniform shirts in her car, and changed into that.  Looked much better.

I was going to bring in the boxes that I packed in the car from storgage yesterday, is raining once again.  Surprise, surprise, surprise.  It can wait until tomorrow.  I will have all weekend to finish cleaning everything out  I only need to take one more empty box out there and then I am done packing it all up.  Be nice not to have to think about it anymore.  The only problem I can foresee is that the tables I borrowed from my daughter will not fit in either one of my vehicles.  Am going to have to get creative..

Miranda offered to have me ride up to Mom's with them, but after thinking about it, I think I will just drive myself.  I have so much stuff to take up there, cooler full of hot dogs, cookies, etc.  Table top grill, suitcase, 2 big boxes of buns, coffee, you know, the usual.  Plus on the way home I will have a card table and 4 chairs.

Oh, I forgot to tell you, I built a shelf for the microwave!  Yep, used power tools and liked it.  Instead of getting a different microwave, I decided to just keep the one I had, it didn't sell, so why spend money on another one.  Sucker was heavy though.  Pretty stiff from lifting it the next day.  But, I did it.  Next prject is to take down the bathroom mirrors (2 of them).  I am going to put up shelving instead to use for storage.  It is in the bathrom I no longer use, so might as well make the most of it.  The mirrors are on 2 walls around the tub, after the shelves go up, so do curtains to hide everything.  Pretty clever huh?

Well that is my life so far.  Am hoping that at some point it gets more interesting.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011


A letter to my Husband.

Dear Honey,

You have been gone for just about 6 months and I still miss you every day.  I miss coming home from work and being able to tell you what all happened or didn't happen.  I miss getting up at 2 in the morning and being able to have coffee with you before I leave for the day.

I miss having someone worry about me when the weather is bad and I have to drive, or you riding along just to make sure.

When we had our first date back in the 8th grade, I thought to myself, "Wow, a farmer, who would of thought it."  That was a very long time ago.  We met when we were 14 and are now 53!  Where did the years go?  They always seemed to go so fast.

When we got married, I thought about how lucky I was to have someone love me so unconditionally it was silly.  But you did.  You didn't care what or where or why I had done some of the things that I did, you only cared that I was with you now.  You even stood up to your family for me.

You loved and cared for my son and mourned the loss of our sone, was elated at the birth of our daughter and once again mourned when we mis-carried.  Through it all there were rough spots, but together we managed to pull through.  We saw both of the kids grow up, graduate, get married and lead good lives.  We rejoiced in the birth of all 3 grandchildren, celebrated birthdays with them, baby sat and yes we both even changed diapers!  Lots of good memories there.

When you got sick, I know that you went through a major depression that you never quite got out of.  You felt cheated for not being able to support us the way you wanted, of not being able to go back to work, of having to stay home and basically do nothing.  For 7 years you put on a brave face and tried to down play how you were really feeling.  I could see it though, I wish there would have been something that I could have done to make it better and easier for you.  I hope that you know how much I loved and still love you.

When your father passed away, you went into a depression again, this time nothing could pull you out of it.  You were so close to him, too bad that you two couldn't have spent more alone time with each other.  We both know the reason for that.  After the incident with the blood clots and the idiotic doctor telling you "You hade 5 good years" you just gave up.  It was very hard to watch that happen, knowing that once again there was nothing I could do.  I tried nagging, begging and making bargains with you, you stubborn Swede, none of it worked.

I guess I knew that when you went into the hospital for the last time, that you more than likely woulnd't be coming home, didn't make it any easier knowing that.  At least you hve no more pain, can finally get some rest and face eternity knowing that you left behind a family that will always think about and love you.

Lily's 3rd birthday is tomorrow and Brandon will be turning 10 next month.  He really misses you.  The time is just flying by, it is so hard to believe that 6 months have gone by.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about you.  So many times I catch myself saying, I have to remember to tell Arlen that or about something, and then I remember, I can't do it in the normal way anymore.  So here's hoping that you can hear what I am thinking, feeling,and wishing.

I will see you soon,

Love, Me

Monday, May 16, 2011

Ho Hum

So I decided that I should probably write something.  Does that count?

Last Saturday, I had the sale open for about 3 hours.  Managed to make about $150.  Not bad considering it was wet, cold and breezy.  Not to mention fishing opener.  Closed up early.  Couldn't take the cold and when it started to rain, had to put eveything back inside, which meant there wasn't any room for people to move around.

This week, I will have it open Thursday and Friday from 2 - 6 and Saturday morning.  Have to close it down at noon as I have to get to Farmington for my daughter-in-laws graduation.  She is graduating with her MBA. so smart, and yet she married into this family.  Go figure.  Very proud of her.

The following weekend is my granddaughter Lily's 3rd birthday.  Where did those 3 years go?  She is having a princess party.  She got to pick the theme, the invites and everything.  Should be fun.

June I have absolutely nothing going on!  Winstock is the 9th and 10th, but other than that, zip.  My aunt and uncle from Vesta are coming up for it and more than likely will stop by.  Look forward to seeing them.  I am also thinking of renting the storage unit for 1 more month, depending on what all is left.  That way I could have it open during Winstock.  So far just a thought.

Work is the same.  We got a soft servc ice cream machine in on Friday.  What a pain that will be.  Same mix as DQ, so who knows, it may prove to be a good thing, or just another pain in my behind.

Next time I sit down to do this, I should have some pictures of the sale, before and after.  Wish me luck with getting rid of everything.