Sunday, October 16, 2011

Time is supppose to heal

I have been sitting here debating whether or not to keep doing this.  Still not sure, not very dedicated to it.  But here it goes.

You always hear the phrase "time heals all wounds" I am beginning to think that is a load of crap. 
Arlen has been gone for almost a year, I think about him every day, miss him more each time I think about him and in general am just plain lonely.  Time is not doing what it is suppose to.

Maybe it will get better in "time", maybe not.  I hear certain songs on the radio at work and think to myself "That was one of his favorites".  Now with the holidays coming up I don't know if it will be easier to get through them or more difficult.  This will be the first year for Thanksgiving that I know he won't be coming home from any hospital, just plain old won't be here.  He did love his turkey and all the fixins.

I started working the overnight hours thinking that since I wasn't sleeping well at night, I might as well be doing something.  Now I don't sleep well during the day.  Can't win for losing.  I know that I am not taking care of myself the way I should, but there is no one here to get after me.  Knowing and doing something about it is two completely different things.  Before I was so busy making sure that Arlen got everything he needed that I didn't have time to think about me, now I have the time and I just kind of am going along blindly.

Sounds like a giant pity party doesn't it?  Oh well, can't help that.  When you are sitting up at 3:30 in the morning, when you should be sleeping, you have a lot of time to think about things.  I have to find things to do during the day, and there just aren't a lot of options.  Don't need to clean, do dishes. laundry, grocery shop or any of that stuff.  Cleaning only takes about 20 minutes from start to finish.  When there is just you to clean up after, there isn't a lot to clean.

I really look forward to the weekends when Lily and Claire come to spend them with me.  They may tire me out, but it is 2 days of other voices in the house.  Quite can get to be very boring, and so far I haven't been able to get the cats to learn English.  Maybe a different language?

I am going to plod on and hope for the best.