Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Letters

A letter to my Husband.

Dear Honey,

You have been gone for just about 6 months and I still miss you every day.  I miss coming home from work and being able to tell you what all happened or didn't happen.  I miss getting up at 2 in the morning and being able to have coffee with you before I leave for the day.

I miss having someone worry about me when the weather is bad and I have to drive, or you riding along just to make sure.

When we had our first date back in the 8th grade, I thought to myself, "Wow, a farmer, who would of thought it."  That was a very long time ago.  We met when we were 14 and are now 53!  Where did the years go?  They always seemed to go so fast.

When we got married, I thought about how lucky I was to have someone love me so unconditionally it was silly.  But you did.  You didn't care what or where or why I had done some of the things that I did, you only cared that I was with you now.  You even stood up to your family for me.

You loved and cared for my son and mourned the loss of our sone, was elated at the birth of our daughter and once again mourned when we mis-carried.  Through it all there were rough spots, but together we managed to pull through.  We saw both of the kids grow up, graduate, get married and lead good lives.  We rejoiced in the birth of all 3 grandchildren, celebrated birthdays with them, baby sat and yes we both even changed diapers!  Lots of good memories there.

When you got sick, I know that you went through a major depression that you never quite got out of.  You felt cheated for not being able to support us the way you wanted, of not being able to go back to work, of having to stay home and basically do nothing.  For 7 years you put on a brave face and tried to down play how you were really feeling.  I could see it though, I wish there would have been something that I could have done to make it better and easier for you.  I hope that you know how much I loved and still love you.

When your father passed away, you went into a depression again, this time nothing could pull you out of it.  You were so close to him, too bad that you two couldn't have spent more alone time with each other.  We both know the reason for that.  After the incident with the blood clots and the idiotic doctor telling you "You hade 5 good years" you just gave up.  It was very hard to watch that happen, knowing that once again there was nothing I could do.  I tried nagging, begging and making bargains with you, you stubborn Swede, none of it worked.

I guess I knew that when you went into the hospital for the last time, that you more than likely woulnd't be coming home, didn't make it any easier knowing that.  At least you hve no more pain, can finally get some rest and face eternity knowing that you left behind a family that will always think about and love you.

Lily's 3rd birthday is tomorrow and Brandon will be turning 10 next month.  He really misses you.  The time is just flying by, it is so hard to believe that 6 months have gone by.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about you.  So many times I catch myself saying, I have to remember to tell Arlen that or about something, and then I remember, I can't do it in the normal way anymore.  So here's hoping that you can hear what I am thinking, feeling,and wishing.

I will see you soon,

Love, Me

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