Anger

I realized last night as I sat and tried to find something to watch, that I am very angry.  Angry at the world, at the customers. at my employers, and mostly at myself.

I am angry at myself and I don't have any reason to be so.  I don't know what to do about it, to try to come to understand it, or just to let it run its course.  I'm sure that a lot of it is due to Arlen dying.  Pissed me off royally.  Can't do anything about it, just accept it, right? 

For so many years I felt as though I couldn't be anygry with him.  He was ill, and there was nothing we could do about it.  If he had only taken better care of himself when he had the chance.  The chance to quit drinking, the chance to clean up his act, just the chance.  That chance has come and gone.  And I'm angry about that also.

I am hoping that every day that I don't blow up at somebody, it will get easier to understand.  Being angry is part of life, not the best part, but a part of it.  Blowing up at somebody is actually good for you.  It helps to air any problems, helps to lower your blood pressure, etc., etc.  Yeah right.

My doctor really wants me to quit smoking.  You know what, screw her.  I have given up so many things in the past year, let me do this on my own time.  She may say she knows what I'm going through.  No she doesn't.  Even if you have gone through a loss of your own.  It is your own, and you need to deal with it in your own way.  I have some idea of what others have gone through and felt, but I would never presume to know exactly what they are feeling.

In the past 6 years I have lost my father, my husband and my father-in-law.  3 very important male figures in my life.  Lots to handle.  Throughout my life, not only have I lost those 3, but a son, 2 grandfathers, numerous uncles.  How much is one supposed to take?

I know that they say that God only gives you what you can handle, but come on.  A litle bit less would have been nice.

I am angry, but I am also grateful.  Grateful for the love and faith that was put in me by these men.  Granteful that my children and their families are healthy and doing good.  Grateful that they are a big part of my life.  Without them, I don't know that I would ever be able to get past all of this.