Just wondering

I sat here last night and started thinking about what I have done with my life so far.  I came up with this fact, not much.  I got married twice, once divorced, once widowed.  Had 3 children, 2 of whom survived.  That pretty much sums it up.

I haven't done anything important or news worthy.  I haven't made any changes that would affect anyone except myself.  I haven't made a lot of friends throughout the years.  When I pass away, I often wonder, who is going to care enough to show up.  I might have to try and change a few things.

I have thought of volunteering at something, I just don't know what, and now with the price of gas, it can't be very far away.  I have no marketable skills that are worth teaching anyone, and I have no intention of going back to school.  I think my brain is too old and too full of crap to absorb anything new.

I adore my kids and their spouses.  They both made excellent choices for life partners.  My 3 grand kids are probably the most amazing kids.  The oldest, Brandon, avidly adores his 2 little girl cousins.  I will never have to worry about any one picking on or bullying them.  He will be right there, loving and protecting with all his heart.

It amazes me that for an almost 10 year old boy, he still likes (so far) getting hugs and giving hugs from Grandma.  I kind of like that also.  Hugs are great.

I always thought the past 7 years how great it would be to have just a couple of days all to myself.  To do nothing, or to get it all done at once.  Now that I have that, I find that I miss the companionship and company of another person.  The cats are good company, but a little hard to have a two way conversation with.  I never know if they are agreeing with me, or telling me to go to hell!  I don't really want to know.

The kids are great and try to be as accommodating as possible, but they have their own lives to live, and I don't want to intrude just because I feel needy or down in the dumps.  I had a min-melt down last night watching something or other on TV.  Sometimes they just jump up out of the chair, stare me in the face, and say, HA HA, here I am.  They don't last long, and I find myself berating me for feeling that way.  It doesn't get me any where, shoot, it doesn't even make me feel better, just more tired.

So the big question I find myself asking is this.  Do I really want to change certain things in my life, and if so, do I want to do it for me, or so that nobody feels like they have to worry about me?

If you have an answer, please let me know.  That is my thought for the day.