Malfunctioning brain waves

2:19 am.  That should say it all, the fact that I am awake and doing this, instead of sleeping.  I should be asleep, yesterday started early (3 am) and didn't end until after 10 pm.  I realize that the older I get, I am supposed to need less sleep.  Time goes so fast to begin with, but what do you do in the middle of the night?  I could take out garbage or find something else as equzlly productive, but then what do I do in the morning?  I have already cleaned the litter boxes, I suppose I could finish folding clothes, my mind and body say yes, do this, but in the very back corner of my brain, it is telling me, no.

I just finished readng a blog from a woman who is going through a very difficult time in her life with a very difficult decision yet to be made.  Sometimes these decisions have got to be looked at from the viewpoint of the very person it will affect.  She is pregnant and there are some pretty serious birth defects.  Yet she can not make a decision of what to do.  The chances of the baby surviving for any amount of time is narrow, and if he does, how much pain and suffering will he go through.

My Dad told me one time that certain things are beyond our control and are God's way of making sure that the child will not suffer in life.  He told me this shortly after my son died of SIDS.  I very rarely doubted anything that he said, he was after all my father and would not intentionally lie to me.  This is what he believed in with his whole heart.  All he wanted to do was take away my suffering and put my mind at ease.  He did.

I have a cousin, who is much older than I am, when she and her husband were trying to have children they were not having much luck.  I don't know how many miscarriages she had before she finally gave birth, only to have the little girl pass away within a few hours.  She had been born with most of her organs not fully formed and a lot of other problems.  Yes, she got to hold her daughter, only to have her taken away yet again.  They finally ended up adopting.  When they did blood tests on the mom and dad, they found out that their DNA or whatever was not compadable and the chances of having a normal baby were about as low as they could go without being infertile.  As far as I know, they are happy with their decision.

We all go through tough times.  What we need to do is distance ourselves as much as possible and look at each trial in its own merit.  Look at it from the viewpoint of whomever it will affect.  We may suffer loss, pain, sorrow, anger and all of the emotions that go along with any decision, but at least it would be a selfless choice and not about what you think would be best for you.  You will survive and go on with life, you will never forget and you will never understand the why of it all, but you will survive.