Thursday, May 27, 2010


I'm sitting here at 2 in the morning trying to figure out people and life.  So far the only conclusion I have come up with is that for the most part the people you love can be the most inconsiderate and selfish people in your life.

Sound bitter and resentful?  You bet!  I have gotten to the point where I don't dare go to sleep, I know that as soon as I do, Arlen is going to wake me up with some stupid question.  He doesn't seem to care if I get any sleep or rest, as long as he is comfortable.  I know that he is going through a bad time right now with his pain meds, but God, give me a break.  It doesn't just affect him.  I get stressed out and my back gets so stiff and sore that I can't hardly walk.  Can't lay down, have a hard time sitting on a chair.  Nothing I do will ease the hurt, and all I want to do is break down, throw a tantrum, throw anything, don't even care what it is.

If I could afford to, I would be out of here in a heart beat.  Not for good, just for a day or two of mental wellness.  I have even thought of getting in the car, going out to the public landing, and just laying back in the seat and trying to sleep.  At least no one around here would lthink to look for me there.

I don't ask a lot of other people, have always felt that I needed to handle this thing on my own.  As you can tell it isn't working.  We're supposed to go to St. Cloud for Lily's Birthday party on Saturday.  I am hoping that Arlen doesn't want to make the trip.  On the other hand, I can't trust him with the pills if I leave them behind.  He is one of those people that have a very addictive personality.  He can't take anything only when he absolutely needs it.  He thinks he needs it all the time.  I have talked to different Doctors about a pain management clinic, I never get a straight answer  Either way, I am going on Saturday.  To hell with what he wants.  maybe I'll get his sister to take him for the day, bad when you have to find a babysitter for a 52 year old man.

I think that later on I will go up to the clinic and see if I can get in to see Dr. Midwinter about my back.  I can't keep going like this.  Be a good one, I need pain pills and something to help me sleep.  You know how it goes, someone asks how's it going, and you automatically say, great, fine, couldn't be better.  You say these things because you know they really don't care, even if it is family.

Arlen's sister thinks that I am a strong person for putting up with all of this for the last 7 years.  I'm not strong, I just know that there is no one to help.  Oh they all offer, but when you need them, they are busy.  Make time god dammit.  I can't do this alone anymore.

On the flip side, the store is going to open before Winstock weekend.  I will be going in for training on the new register system on the 8th of June.  I can't wait.  I will actually be able to get away from the house!

I am going to go and play some games now, since I am wide awake, more than likely for the rest of the day.
Have a good day.

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