Second Best?

The other night while I lay in bed, trying to sleep, I had so many thoughts going around and around.  One of the things that kept popping up in there was the fact that my whole life I have always felt second best.

Second best to my brother, second best to my 1st husband, sometimes 2nd best to my children.  I don't know if this is a rational feeling or not,  but it is mine.  It is very hard to change your mind set was something takes hold.

I realize that I can't change anything anymore, but when you grow up hearing "why can't you be more like your brother, cousin or whoever", it sinks in and stays there.  You just know that no matter what you do or what you accomplish, it is never going to be quite good enough.

I hope that as my children were growing up that I never made them feel this way.  I tried to be encouraging in any endeavor that they wanted to try.  If for some reason I failed in doing so, that again is my sub-conscience going, "not quite good enough".

I know deep down that I am the only one who can change this attitude, but what happens if I do manage to change my outlook and still nothing happens?  Does that mean that I was again failed, or didn't try hard enough, or just didn't know in which direction to go?

I'm tired of having to work, tired of trying every day, tired of not having any kind of social life, no close friends, no family life.  I do understand that both kids are busy with their own families, but once in a while it would be nice to feel as if I was put first before their other parents, family members, etc.    I know, it now sounds as if I am feeling sorry for myself, but as they say, "if I don't, who will".

Basically, I am just really tired of being tired of everything.  Will have to find some way to work that out and get on with life, before it gets on without me.

Trying hard

I am trying very hard to think of something positive to write about.  So far no luck, but I'm sure that if I sit here long enough and ramble on, something, anything will come to me.

I am positive about one thing.  Most men who never had to do anything in the house while growing up, turn out to be giant slobs when they get married.  They figure there will always be someone there to pick up after them, wash their clothes, make their food, take out the garbage, shoot that even includes taking dirty dishes to the sink.

I have stopped picking up after my husband.  The only thing I do do is take the dishes into the kitchen when it is time to wash them.  He knows how to wash and dry clothes, so if he wants to go around wearing filthy things, let him.

I am also positive that we have no active social life.  We don't ever go any place, see any one, or do anything.  Makes it very hard to have things to talk about.

I am also positive that there is something wrong with my car.  It will crank over for a long time before it finally catches and starts.  To me it sounds like the fuel pump or fuel filter needs to be replaced.  We have replaced the rotor, the coil, the starter, the alternator and the ignition.  The only things left are the modulator and the distributor.  I still think it is something to do with the fuel system.  It almost acts like it is flooding all the time, but with no fuel there.  Crazy huh?  I will have to have the mechanic look at that possibility.  Right now I can't afford to even think about getting a different vehicle.  Such is my life.

I have to get the new plates on my car today.  Have had them for 2 weeks waiting for Arlen to put them on, but I guess I will attempt it, otherwise no driving anywhere.  Well, that is when my car starts.  Such a vicious circle.  There is an auction coming up in Sept. that has police seized vehicles.  One of them is a Red Jeep Grand Cherokee.  I would love to have the money to get it.  Saw the pictures, looks nice.  Who knows, maybe a wind fall will come my way before then and I can go and get it.  There isn't much on that auction, so maybe there won't be that many bidders there.

Alright, I have been mostly negative positive instead of positive positive, so it must be time to go.  Talk to you all later.