Second Best?

The other night while I lay in bed, trying to sleep, I had so many thoughts going around and around.  One of the things that kept popping up in there was the fact that my whole life I have always felt second best.

Second best to my brother, second best to my 1st husband, sometimes 2nd best to my children.  I don't know if this is a rational feeling or not,  but it is mine.  It is very hard to change your mind set was something takes hold.

I realize that I can't change anything anymore, but when you grow up hearing "why can't you be more like your brother, cousin or whoever", it sinks in and stays there.  You just know that no matter what you do or what you accomplish, it is never going to be quite good enough.

I hope that as my children were growing up that I never made them feel this way.  I tried to be encouraging in any endeavor that they wanted to try.  If for some reason I failed in doing so, that again is my sub-conscience going, "not quite good enough".

I know deep down that I am the only one who can change this attitude, but what happens if I do manage to change my outlook and still nothing happens?  Does that mean that I was again failed, or didn't try hard enough, or just didn't know in which direction to go?

I'm tired of having to work, tired of trying every day, tired of not having any kind of social life, no close friends, no family life.  I do understand that both kids are busy with their own families, but once in a while it would be nice to feel as if I was put first before their other parents, family members, etc.    I know, it now sounds as if I am feeling sorry for myself, but as they say, "if I don't, who will".

Basically, I am just really tired of being tired of everything.  Will have to find some way to work that out and get on with life, before it gets on without me.